Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.

Graduation presents (laptop and cell phone)--check

Paperwork for Red Cloud school and Camp T--check

Packed for June 4th--check


I want to be in the place where friendships are formed from mud hikes, devotions, and tornado sirens. 

I want to be in my kindergarten classroom so that I can make awesome bullentin boards and welcome my students to an amazing atmosphere.

I want to be in a place that takes me out of my comfort zone and that will help me become a better person.

Now, just waiting for the rest of my life to start.  I wish it would get here quickly!

Falling from Grace

The last couple of years I've kept in contact with a few of my favorite campers.  One of my fav's, Grace, started out with me two summers ago as an awkward, tall, bushy haired girl and has now turned into a beautiful young woman.  This whole time we've kept in contact sending back letters/friendship bracelets.  We've been there for each other for the heartaches, battles, and it has turned into a genuine friendship that I never expected.  Today I had to break it to her that I have to be out in South Dakota the week that she returns for her last experience with Camp T.

She didn't take it lightly and my heart broke a little as I told her.  Miss Grace is like the little sister that I never had.  I looked forward to her brightly colored letters at home and her persistent emails over the summer.  Part of me would always be at camp when Grace was there.  I'll always remember the day we sat on the hill two summers ago as she told me that she was grateful I was her swimming buddy for Lake time.  I'll always remember when we cried together during closing campfire Summer 2009 because we knew nothing would quite be as special.  I'll always remember when I dropped her (accidently) during our trust exercise one Thursday night.  I'll always remember when her counselors last summer found it difficult to get to know her because she told them that she'd rather be in my cabin.  This girl is special.  She brings a unique sense of self to each person that she reaches out to.  I'll miss her dearly but to know that I've made a deep impact on a child like her makes my summers at Camp worth going back year after year.

This is what she wrote to me today:

abby-
camp t has been one of my favorite places in the world since i went there my first year. but you are the person who kept it one of my favorites. you are my favorite counselor ever because you're more than just a counselor-you're my friend. you take care of me like no one else, and love me for who i am. i will miss you so much thi...s summer, and even though it's my last, i will never forget you and me walking from the OC to the dining hall arm in arm, crying at closing campfire, and cheering each other up throughout our sicknesses and sadness. i love you so much and will write you all the time. hopefully at some point i can come visit, although that will be a hard sell to the parents. but i'll try! love you, grace

I can't wait to see her as a counselor in a few short years :)

Making Time for Silence

I've had a lot of time since graduating college just to think.  Sometimes in my case that can be bad.  My counselor and I talked this week about the upcoming changes in my life and touched on part of my past that we hadn't talked about in awhile.  Coming to terms with loosing a friendship is never easy to say the least.  My counselor made me all too aware that I need to make changes not for others, but for myself otherwise I'll never make it through this depression.  She opened up my eyes to  a term the Native American's use and it's called "making silence".

Out on the Plains where I'll be living there is nothing for miles around.  I need to be comfortable with this idea and learn how to bask in the beauty of such a place.  Going from a town of 30,000 to a tiny town of less than 2,000 leaves  A LOT of open space. I've been reading many books lately about coping with a lifestyle that will be quite different from the one I was raised in.  From what they say, it's all about becoming comfortable with silence.  That's not easy for me.  Silence to me (besides when I'm praying) is often awkward.  So, my counselor suggested that I go on a run to places where I have distinct memories and feel comfortable being silent.  Yesterday I ran to a few of them......past the mailbox where an old boyfriend and I were stopped by the cops,  past the park where I spent most of my time as a kid, past the church that I've grown up in, past my college, and past multiple friends' houses along the way.  I ended my little adventure in the woods where I have the most distinct memories of my childhood.  My sister and I used to play with the neighborhood boys for hours on end out there building forts and playing on the rope swing.  I climbed my favorite tree, took a deep breath, and took it all in.  No. Nothing magical happen but I guess it's one step at a time.

Ding Ding Ding

The other day I was reading this book about a set of movie producers who were trying to make a film with a deeply Christian message.  Basically at the end of the book they run out of money and can't finish in time.  But, some how God provides for them and a donor comes to their rescue. In this scene a producer and his wife are talking about what just happened.

Lisa:  "Only God could have done this."
Chase:  "Exactly.  That's how He likes to do things--at the last minute, so we'll know for sure it wasn't our brilliance or our great plans or our hard work that brought about the miracle.  It's Him."

This really got me thinking.  The last four years of my life has been very planned.  It had to be in a way to get through VU in four years and study abroad.  Bottom line though, I didn't give my life up to Him fully and it showed.  My senior year was all planned out and then BAM--God said that my plan and His plan were different.  It's just like that phrase, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans,".  That's what happened and in a few short months I'll be on my way to an Indian Reservation.  If God hadn't spoken, I would be sitting here in Valpo just waiting to get married.  I would have settled for a life that He didn't want me to lead.   It's hard to trust in God's plan, but knowing that I can live my life according to Him makes all the difference.

It's Funny

It's funny how five months working against depression can disappear in an hour.
It's funny how somethings are still as tender as ever.
It's funny how other things never change.
It's funny how your best friend can turn into a stranger.

But really, none of these things are funny.

"The best way to predict the future is to create it, Enjoy creating yours."

I graduated from college today!  There were over 700 hundred of us in the class of 2011 and we piled in from all sides.  As my Elementary Ed friends and I lined up next to each other under the Bachelor of Science in Education sign, it finally hit me:  I'm officially done with my four years of college.  Thankfully I got to sit next to my best friend April throughout the whole ceremony.  She kept me entertained and kept my mind off the fact that the future was quickly approaching.  Up the ramp, handed the Grand Marshall my name card, my name was announced and I speedily walked to shake the President's hand.  Three seconds later and I was all the way across the stage.  Easy as pie, right?  Just like that I was now a VU alumni, weird.  It's an odd feeling actually. I'm not a fan of this whole "graduation" thing.  But at least I looked good in my cap and gown :)

A cloudy Day

Yesterday I got to babysit a eleven month old.  His name is Parker and he is the son of my youth director.  Let me throw this out there:  babies are GROSS.  They drool all over themselves, can't control their bowel movements, and get boogers all over their faces.  But, they are super entertaining, especially when this baby happened to be almost at the point of walking.  It was fun to pretend that he was my own even if it was only for a little bit :)

Today I went to Chicago with Kelley, Kristin, and Cody.  We took the train in and headed out on our adventure.  Since the last couple of days were very humid, we wore t-shirts and shorts.  Bad bad mistake.  It turned out to be only about 60 degrees so close to the lake and we promptly froze our butts off.  One trip to Walgreens to buy sweatshirts, a two hour stint at the famous Giordano's and a mile walk later, we arrived at Navy Pier.  I was very disappointed to find out that none of the rides were open so we wandered around and made our own fun taking pictures with statues.  I love doing random trips with friends like this.  It makes me feel like I'm almost on my own and one step closer to July 27th.

Parenthood

I will severely miss the hot humid days that Indiana decides to spring upon us.  It went from 90 degrees in the afternoon to a ridiculous outburst of rain followed by hail.  Got to love NW Indiana.

Today I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people in the world, Kelley.  I picked her up from VU and we headed off to the sandy shores of Lake Michigan. It was about ten degrees cooler by the lake because of the wind, but we loaded up with sunscreen and soaked up the rays.  We reminisced about our study abroad days and our crazy travels to Spain.  Kelley happens to love people watching and it quickly turned into a saga about the family near us.  The father figure looked barely older than us and we watched him interact with his four year old.  He cussed, smoked, and didn't even watch as the son made his way into the lake. Kelley was shocked and not amused by the whole exchange.  We ended up talking about the kind of parents that we want to be and how much she wants to be a mom.

Have you ever seen the way that certain young adults interact with kids?  Most of the time you can tell within a couple of minutes if they will be a good parent.  Our conversation opened up a part of me that I haven't been in touch with for a long time.  I know that I want to be a mom one day.  Just like teaching, it's what God put me on this earth to do.  It's hard to see young families at the beach and to know that I'm very far from having that.  In my last post I talked about how I'm not ready to be in a relationship and how I still need to be on my own.  It's difficult some days to deal with that when it comes at the cost of being a mom.  Guess I'll just have to wait for my turn.

Love from the Outside

Yesterday I received a text from one of my best friends.  She happens to be engaged and getting married this summer.  This wonderful friend also happens to have a beautiful eight month old.  Her text calmly explained that she was leaving her fiance and would call me the next day.

Shock doesn't even begin to describe how I felt after reading the message.  This was a woman who has come over many obstacles in life and has had many fights with love.  I thought that she had found a man who was ready to challenge her with a steadfast and powerful version of love that only a bond of parenthood could present to a couple.  Apparently I was wrong.

I was already skeptical of the whole idea of love and marriage after falling hard into a rough spot after my last serious relationship.  But, seeing one of my closest friends go through such a life change in a year makes a difference.  What she did, taking the baby and leaving while she still could takes a whole mountain of courage.  It's time to dry her tears and make her realize how blessed she is to have a beautiful baby boy even though her relationship didn't work out.  I admire her for her endless strength.  The hardest part is that the fiance didn't pursue her like a grown man should.  This little life lesson has drawn me further from wanting to be in a relationship.  I still need to work on becoming the person that God wants me to be and I have a long way to go.

And I'm Reminded

This weekend I was reminded why being in a relationship is hard.  Sometimes two people want different things out of life and they end up getting hurt in the end.  Now I remember why I was so reluctant to open up my heart again....

Tick Tock

4 years of college are over.  Time flew by.  Now that I'm pretty much staring graduation in the face memories keep coming back.  Freshman year pranks with April, sophomore RA antics, junior year traveling around Europe and now senior year.  So, I thought I'd make a list of lessons learned from this year.

1.  Your best friend can disappear in a heartbeat and turn into a complete stranger.
2.  Although friends may come and go its the people that stick by your side in the darkest hour that are there to stay forever.
3.  It takes a lot of courage to admit defeat but at the same time to recognize who you want to be in life.
4.  Depression can happen to anyone, even that person you think who has it all.
5.  Even though one may experience heartbreak that doesn't meant that you should bury your heart.
6.  I was born to be a teacher and to help people that can't help themselves.
7.  It's good to act like a kid every once in awhile even in grown up situations.
8.  Laugh often.  Without laughter life just isn't the same.
9.  Dwelling on the past doesn't not let you experience everything that life has to offer.
10.  When you reach rock bottom don't be afraid to let people pick you back up.
11.  I'm a much stronger person than I ever realized.


All of us seniors can feel the time ticking away before graduation in a few short weeks.  Before I know it, I'll be in my cap and gown walking on stage to get my diploma.  I'm still the same awkward, tall, and curious person as I was four years ago.  My heart has changed drastically though.  I've had many life experiences that I'm very grateful for and still others that I wish could be forgotten. Bottom line, all of them have made me into a stronger person.  It's time to leave the safety of Valpo and venture off on my own.  Now, if I could take all of my second graders with me than this would be a piece of cake :)

Sick of Being an "American"

Turned on the news today to see that the man who caused so much hatred and death ten years ago was finally caught.  Many emotions ran through me.  Relief.  Gratitude.  And then even more emotions....a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  We, as Americans, too often think that we are God's gift to our planet.  Most people in this country feel that they are entitled to just about anything and everything.  For most of my life, I too was proud to be from the US.  Now, looking at the news and the true glee illustrated in Washington DC after bin Laden's death, my British professor's words come back to me in full force:  "American is a very young country.  In fact, you are all babies compared to what England has gone through.  When you live through a potato famine and countless wars that last more than only your typical ten years, then I'll cry you a river.  You haven't seen anything yet.  It won't be too long until the US is not number one anymore.  Just you wait."

His words rang true for me today.  Honestly, most of the time I am ashamed to be called an American.  While I am very thankful for the middle class life that I lead, I cannot stand the way that people in the US view themselves.  We take so much forgranted: the fact that we have running water, access to food pretty much whenever we want and a roof over our heads.  When I was abroad, I shuddered when people would say that I was American, not only by my accent but by the way I viewed the world.  It is so diluted!

I think that's a lot of the reason why I'm going to work on an Indian Reservation.  America has taken everything that once belonged to the Native Americans.  They where here first and this is how the government repays them?  By putting them in a very ugly cycle with no clear way to get out?  Anyways, before celebrating the death of the man that killed so many, think about the stereotypes that you are fulfilling.

Wishes

This says everything. I miss my 26 kids. A lot.