I'm trying to figure out if this blog is worth it....
So, if you still read this please leave some sort of comment letting me know that you're still out there.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Ode to April
Today I met up with my college best friend April at Sanibel, FL with our families. This little island is very well known for the beaches made of shells. They are everywhere you look-big and small in their glory. It gave me a chance to actually talk with April. Although we are best friends and in the same major, we don't get to see each other that often because of student teaching.
I don't know if I can truly describe April on paper. She is the most spunky person I've ever met in my life. She has such high ambitions but at the same time lives her life day to day while being very highly organized. She craves adventure whether it's stealing my mattress and hiding it in an elevator or flying to a foreign country with a housemate that she despises. I love my friend because of all of the hidden qualities that most people don't get to see from her right away.
While April and I have had our fair share of fights, we are always there for one another. She wasn't a fan of my last relationship for many reasons and she never hid it. That's only something a true friend will do. She fought with me through the muck of the depression last semester and I can honestly say that if she saved my life one night without even knowing it. The most beautiful part of our friendship is that we may not talk every day or even every week. Although we may not, I feel as close to her as ever. I'm proud to call her my friend and to know that she has helped me to become a strong and independent person. I hope that I've done the same for her. The last four years of college wouldn't have been the same without this very special and unique April in my life. I know right now she may be reading this and hate how sentimental I'm being. I'm betting that she even teared up. (She hates getting emotion so this means I'm doing a good job hehe)
I can't wait to see what she accomplishes in life. She will make an amazing 5th grade teacher and that school will be lucky to have her. It's hard for me to believe that after graduation our lives will go separate ways. We will likely be in different states and have different plans. That won't matter. We'll always stay in touch somehow. Deep down, I will always carry around that little ray of April sunshine with me wherever I go.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
To Live Would be an Awfully Big Adventure
Florida days are absolutely beautiful. One cannot find another word to truly do it justice. Then, you see a Florida sunset. The sky slowly turns from orange to a purple and all of the worries of the world slip away. It's God's way of saying that everything will be okay and that He has an amazing adventure out there just for you. That adventure may not be made of perfect days like today with a gentle sunset, but rather a stormy sky filled with lightening may be in the near future. All in all, we must be soothed by the notion that it is His wonderful plan and adventure that leads us down a the ultimate path. As Peter Pan says, "To live would be an awfully big adventure,".
Awhile back, I submitted my application to Red Cloud Indian School out in South Dakota after much praying. Last week, I heard back from the recruiter who processes the apps before the interview with the principal. My parents aren't thrilled with the idea of it being a volunteer program since I'll be way in debt after graduation. I can't remember the last time I was this excited and determined about something though. Doesn't He want for us to live a life of simplicity and to use what talents He gave us to help one another? Doesn't God want us to share faith with our neighbors and to make a difference by making the world a better place to live in? Even though most people don't understand, this is the life I want to lead. I don't want a 25,000 dollar teaching job in my hometown. Yes, I could make a difference there but that's not where my true calling is at this point. God is calling me, no, not just calling--rather, He is pushing me out to the Lakota at Pine Ridge. Who would I be to deny such a push? This is the start of a brand new adventure.
Awhile back, I submitted my application to Red Cloud Indian School out in South Dakota after much praying. Last week, I heard back from the recruiter who processes the apps before the interview with the principal. My parents aren't thrilled with the idea of it being a volunteer program since I'll be way in debt after graduation. I can't remember the last time I was this excited and determined about something though. Doesn't He want for us to live a life of simplicity and to use what talents He gave us to help one another? Doesn't God want us to share faith with our neighbors and to make a difference by making the world a better place to live in? Even though most people don't understand, this is the life I want to lead. I don't want a 25,000 dollar teaching job in my hometown. Yes, I could make a difference there but that's not where my true calling is at this point. God is calling me, no, not just calling--rather, He is pushing me out to the Lakota at Pine Ridge. Who would I be to deny such a push? This is the start of a brand new adventure.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Some things just never get easier
Finding out that your ex is in a new relationship is never easy. Especially when you, yourself are at very vulnerable place in the journey back to your old self. Its not something that I'd thought I'd want to know. Its not something I thought would come so soon.
When I found out, I couldn't breathe. It was like the breakup came back six months later just as hurtful and raw as ever. All those emotions I bottled up came bursting out in huge sobs that shook my whole body. My Mom wanted to know what was wrong, but I didn't have the energy or courage to tell her. It's not that I thought the two of us would get back together. I knew that wouldn't happen.
I just didn't expect this whole situation to still be so raw. It's like the whole relationship I had with him never happened and that I was finally replaced. Man, did that hurt to think about. I've come a long way with counseling and through talking with a few friends that I can trust with my deepest secrets. But, this left me feeling more exposed that I ever had in my life. All of those beach trips, apple orchard visits, and everything else that was so special in that relationship flashed through my mind in a matter of minutes. They were all gone, erased.
The few friends I have approached this subject with thought him dating someone else was for the best. One said, "To be honest this is probably a good thing. It sucks now, but this will help you get over him. Just because he is with someone else doesn't mean you weren't cared for. I know when my ex started dating someone else she still cared for me. Use this to move on. Give it some time and prayer. The pain will go away." Yes, what they said looks great when I write it down. But, its so much easier said than done.
When I found out, I couldn't breathe. It was like the breakup came back six months later just as hurtful and raw as ever. All those emotions I bottled up came bursting out in huge sobs that shook my whole body. My Mom wanted to know what was wrong, but I didn't have the energy or courage to tell her. It's not that I thought the two of us would get back together. I knew that wouldn't happen.
I just didn't expect this whole situation to still be so raw. It's like the whole relationship I had with him never happened and that I was finally replaced. Man, did that hurt to think about. I've come a long way with counseling and through talking with a few friends that I can trust with my deepest secrets. But, this left me feeling more exposed that I ever had in my life. All of those beach trips, apple orchard visits, and everything else that was so special in that relationship flashed through my mind in a matter of minutes. They were all gone, erased.
The few friends I have approached this subject with thought him dating someone else was for the best. One said, "To be honest this is probably a good thing. It sucks now, but this will help you get over him. Just because he is with someone else doesn't mean you weren't cared for. I know when my ex started dating someone else she still cared for me. Use this to move on. Give it some time and prayer. The pain will go away." Yes, what they said looks great when I write it down. But, its so much easier said than done.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Willy Wonka, Sleep, and Mia Hamm
Our second grade field trip to the Albanese Candy Factory can be summed up in three words: very hyper children. They were already acting crazy at nine this morning even though the trip wasn't until noon. Lucky me, right? I got to sit with one of my secretly favorite kids, Travis, on the bus. He's the child with ADHD that can not sit still if his life depended on it. The last week he has been great though and earning rewards all over the place. The best part about this has become his journey to 3rd grade. This student has amazing grades in math but is in Tier 3 for reading. (For you non teachers out there this means that he needs drastic help reading at even a first grade level.) Although his reading scores have not improved over this past year, he has more than made up for it with his character. He has gone from a child who had trouble making friends and now is one of the class favorites. At the end of the day, he stays to help me put up the chairs for the kids who forgot. He never asks for a reward. He does it just to be helpful and as he says, "make your day as a teacher easier." It's funny. When I observed my cooperating teacher before I took over, he was the kid that would never give me a hug at the end of the day like all the other kids. Now, he seems better aware of my emotions than I am. This seating pair led to a discussion about bodily functions, what's the worst possible thing to throw up, and how come a catheter doesn't have apple juice coming out of it. These conversations are priceless and remind me why I love working with kids.
On another note, I finally finished my huge 136 page ten lesson unit and another big paper for my two night classes this semester. Because of this stupid time commitment I have had a hard time sleeping the last two weeks. I'm lucky to have gotten maybe four hours of sleep each night. I felt like a huge weight was off of my shoulders yesterday until a friend reminded me that we still have another 15 page paper to do within the next couple of weeks. Well, at least I felt better for awhile.
Soccer season starts for the Parks Department in a couple of weeks and it could not come at a better time. I'm fully committed to working eight hour shifts again and I am so happy about that. I get to go back to my niche where I feel the best. It also helps that it's outdoors, lets me use a whistle, and be the person I was at 16 all over again. This makes my sixth year as a referee for the VPRD. I almost forgot how much I truly loved refereeing soccer with the 7 and 8 year olds. I love how uncoordinated they are and hearing them smack talk the other team like it's the World Cup instead of a rec league. I'm so ready for putting up soccer nets at seven AM, awesome tan lines, not wearing suntan lotion, getting burned, crazy thunderstorms that come out of nowhere, demanding coaches, and finding the next Mia Hamm.
Bring
it
on
On another note, I finally finished my huge 136 page ten lesson unit and another big paper for my two night classes this semester. Because of this stupid time commitment I have had a hard time sleeping the last two weeks. I'm lucky to have gotten maybe four hours of sleep each night. I felt like a huge weight was off of my shoulders yesterday until a friend reminded me that we still have another 15 page paper to do within the next couple of weeks. Well, at least I felt better for awhile.
Soccer season starts for the Parks Department in a couple of weeks and it could not come at a better time. I'm fully committed to working eight hour shifts again and I am so happy about that. I get to go back to my niche where I feel the best. It also helps that it's outdoors, lets me use a whistle, and be the person I was at 16 all over again. This makes my sixth year as a referee for the VPRD. I almost forgot how much I truly loved refereeing soccer with the 7 and 8 year olds. I love how uncoordinated they are and hearing them smack talk the other team like it's the World Cup instead of a rec league. I'm so ready for putting up soccer nets at seven AM, awesome tan lines, not wearing suntan lotion, getting burned, crazy thunderstorms that come out of nowhere, demanding coaches, and finding the next Mia Hamm.
Bring
it
on
Saturday, March 19, 2011
From the outside looking in, you can never understand it; From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.
This past week was difficult and amazing all at the same time. I saw students bicker, steal from one another, hit others and downright lie to my face. Some struggle to understand the concept presented to them, especially telling time. Others have a hard time blending in with kids their age and are often bullied no matter what my cooperating teacher can do. I saw students have those "light bulb" moments where everything finally clicks. Another boy started reading Harry Potter this week. Keep in mind he's only eight. It's five days like this that make me want to be a teacher for my whole life.
Thursday I got to take a break from the real world and dive back into the world of sorority life. That night we had a special occasion in Tri Delta where the seniors get to tell their journey through the last four years and to offer advice to the new girls. I went first. To express the last two and a half years of my life and what I owe to this sorority ultimately was difficult. How do you explain to someone how you've developed life long friendships? Some people don't understand Greek life. They think that we pay for our friends and that we party til we puke. That's not what Tri Delta is about. It's about those nights that turn into mornings where we spend the whole time watching movies, playing pranks one another and soaking up the time we have left in college. It's about knowing that when you are at rock bottom that you have 40 sisters to turn to. Although we are all different, we know that that doesn't matter. We, no matter where we end up after graduation, will always be sisters.
Friday we initiated ten new lovely women into our sisterhood. During the middle of it, reality finally hit. This was my last time to wear whites and to go through the rituals. My best friend April and I stood next to each other through the ceremony. She was her typical goofy self. Our other friend Holly finally got a Little Sister this semester. I'm glad that we were next to each other one last time through initiation. We all started out as friends freshman year and each joined Tri Delta during a different semester. I love our story. If anything our friendship is stronger now then ever. So much of that we owe to the sorority. I've lived with both Holly and April before. We've gone through some of the hardest times together: April's parents' divorce our freshman year, Holly almost leaving our university that same year, my depression this past year and numerous breakups for all of us between the four years. We still manage to stand strong and united.
Today I was also lucky enough to reunite with my friends Erin and Kelley. The three of us have also been through so much together. We typically have a family dinner each week, but I hadn't seen them in about a month. Deciding to get off campus, we went to a local diner called Philly B's. It's the typical hole in the wall hickish place that Valpo is famous for. The three of us swamped stories about our lives this semester and it was like we saw each other every day. Erin and I talked about our plans after graduation. She is moving back home to Michigan and trying to find a marketing job in a firm somewhere. I talked about applying for jobs and possibly being a day camp director for the Parks Department this summer. We'll see how it works out. Kelley still has another year at school, but she already misses us. I'm grateful that I have so many sisters to fall back on. Holly, April, Kelley and Erin will always be in my life. Heck, April and I will probably be in a nursing home together when we're 80 reminiscing about the good old years :)
Thursday I got to take a break from the real world and dive back into the world of sorority life. That night we had a special occasion in Tri Delta where the seniors get to tell their journey through the last four years and to offer advice to the new girls. I went first. To express the last two and a half years of my life and what I owe to this sorority ultimately was difficult. How do you explain to someone how you've developed life long friendships? Some people don't understand Greek life. They think that we pay for our friends and that we party til we puke. That's not what Tri Delta is about. It's about those nights that turn into mornings where we spend the whole time watching movies, playing pranks one another and soaking up the time we have left in college. It's about knowing that when you are at rock bottom that you have 40 sisters to turn to. Although we are all different, we know that that doesn't matter. We, no matter where we end up after graduation, will always be sisters.
Friday we initiated ten new lovely women into our sisterhood. During the middle of it, reality finally hit. This was my last time to wear whites and to go through the rituals. My best friend April and I stood next to each other through the ceremony. She was her typical goofy self. Our other friend Holly finally got a Little Sister this semester. I'm glad that we were next to each other one last time through initiation. We all started out as friends freshman year and each joined Tri Delta during a different semester. I love our story. If anything our friendship is stronger now then ever. So much of that we owe to the sorority. I've lived with both Holly and April before. We've gone through some of the hardest times together: April's parents' divorce our freshman year, Holly almost leaving our university that same year, my depression this past year and numerous breakups for all of us between the four years. We still manage to stand strong and united.
Today I was also lucky enough to reunite with my friends Erin and Kelley. The three of us have also been through so much together. We typically have a family dinner each week, but I hadn't seen them in about a month. Deciding to get off campus, we went to a local diner called Philly B's. It's the typical hole in the wall hickish place that Valpo is famous for. The three of us swamped stories about our lives this semester and it was like we saw each other every day. Erin and I talked about our plans after graduation. She is moving back home to Michigan and trying to find a marketing job in a firm somewhere. I talked about applying for jobs and possibly being a day camp director for the Parks Department this summer. We'll see how it works out. Kelley still has another year at school, but she already misses us. I'm grateful that I have so many sisters to fall back on. Holly, April, Kelley and Erin will always be in my life. Heck, April and I will probably be in a nursing home together when we're 80 reminiscing about the good old years :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
An Example of Friendship
Okay, the world changed once again since my last post. Guess I don't have to grow up so fast after all. Very thankful for that. But, I still wonder what my life would have been like. Probably shouldn't do that though since it won't get me anywhere if I dwell on the situation.
Alright so I wanted to write something about the last week. Well, Thursday my cooperating teacher was gone and I had complete control of the class besides a sub being there. Yes, I got to do all the work while she sat on her butt. Must have been the easiest 60 dollars she ever made. To top it off it turns out we graduated from high school the same year. Talk about awkward. It was nice having the class completely to myself and I could be the "Matilda" kind of teacher that I really want to be. Anyway, the next day I woke up with a sore throat and a fever but went to school. Yes, I'm a big grown up teacher I know. Crazy isn't it? My cooperating teacher took one look at me and sent me home. I came home, slept for five hours, ate some chicken noodle soup and watched scary movies while prepping for next week. Not too shabby of a Friday.
This weekend was really productive and restful. Didn't manage to go to church but ran instead. Sometimes that's where God and I have the best talks though. The last week I've kept in contact with a good old friend of mine. We hadn't reconnected in awhile and it was awesome to see how his faith has grown since we were really close two summers ago. Patrick and I, strangely enough, bonded through our high ropes training at camp. He was the kid that wouldn't let me go first for our test even though I had to go to the bathroom. Patrick even watched as I had to dance to keep it in :) We've been good friends ever since with our constant sarcasm banter. He's been there alot for me this whole school year and kept me on track with my relationship with God. Whenever the depression grabs hold, he is always there to spot me just in case I fall. I'm very lucky to have a friend like that. He has spring break this week and we plan on going to visit our friend Paula for her birthday next weekend. It will be great to see two good camp friends again and to pretend like I'm a normal 22 year old without the responsibility of 25 younglings for once.
Paula and Patrick dated for the longest time until they broke up about a year ago. They still remain good friends even though I know it is hard for them. Right after they broke up, Paula revealed her heart to me. Patrick did the same not too long after. It's really hard being such good friends with both and hearing different sides of the story. But, their friendship, even after such a heartbreak stays true. He has met her new boyfriend a couple of times now. I can't imagine what that would be like-sitting next to your ex's new significant other. It would probably take alot of control for me to not break down. Patrick gives me hope though that some day I can be at the same point he is at. He genuinely wants the best for Paula and for her to be happy even if her future is with another guy. Now, I can't say I'm at the same point Paula and Patrick are. Yes, I do want the best for my ex. Yes, I forgave him for everything a long time ago. And yes, I've accepted that he isn't in God's plan for me. The difference is that I've been spared seeing my ex in a relationship with someone else. I'm guessing that isn't too far away though. All I can hope for is that my heart and friendship are strong enough to last through it.
Alright so I wanted to write something about the last week. Well, Thursday my cooperating teacher was gone and I had complete control of the class besides a sub being there. Yes, I got to do all the work while she sat on her butt. Must have been the easiest 60 dollars she ever made. To top it off it turns out we graduated from high school the same year. Talk about awkward. It was nice having the class completely to myself and I could be the "Matilda" kind of teacher that I really want to be. Anyway, the next day I woke up with a sore throat and a fever but went to school. Yes, I'm a big grown up teacher I know. Crazy isn't it? My cooperating teacher took one look at me and sent me home. I came home, slept for five hours, ate some chicken noodle soup and watched scary movies while prepping for next week. Not too shabby of a Friday.
This weekend was really productive and restful. Didn't manage to go to church but ran instead. Sometimes that's where God and I have the best talks though. The last week I've kept in contact with a good old friend of mine. We hadn't reconnected in awhile and it was awesome to see how his faith has grown since we were really close two summers ago. Patrick and I, strangely enough, bonded through our high ropes training at camp. He was the kid that wouldn't let me go first for our test even though I had to go to the bathroom. Patrick even watched as I had to dance to keep it in :) We've been good friends ever since with our constant sarcasm banter. He's been there alot for me this whole school year and kept me on track with my relationship with God. Whenever the depression grabs hold, he is always there to spot me just in case I fall. I'm very lucky to have a friend like that. He has spring break this week and we plan on going to visit our friend Paula for her birthday next weekend. It will be great to see two good camp friends again and to pretend like I'm a normal 22 year old without the responsibility of 25 younglings for once.
Paula and Patrick dated for the longest time until they broke up about a year ago. They still remain good friends even though I know it is hard for them. Right after they broke up, Paula revealed her heart to me. Patrick did the same not too long after. It's really hard being such good friends with both and hearing different sides of the story. But, their friendship, even after such a heartbreak stays true. He has met her new boyfriend a couple of times now. I can't imagine what that would be like-sitting next to your ex's new significant other. It would probably take alot of control for me to not break down. Patrick gives me hope though that some day I can be at the same point he is at. He genuinely wants the best for Paula and for her to be happy even if her future is with another guy. Now, I can't say I'm at the same point Paula and Patrick are. Yes, I do want the best for my ex. Yes, I forgave him for everything a long time ago. And yes, I've accepted that he isn't in God's plan for me. The difference is that I've been spared seeing my ex in a relationship with someone else. I'm guessing that isn't too far away though. All I can hope for is that my heart and friendship are strong enough to last through it.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Must Keep Breathing
I made a decision about a month ago. Little did I realize that it would affect my life forever. I'm going to have to grow up faster than I ever thought possible... Please keep me in your prayers in the upcoming weeks.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
watch out for the little ones
I love my kids because....
1. They asked me to play my violin for them on Thursday and wouldn't let me stop playing for a solid twenty minutes. This didn't involve a state standard and yes, they still learned something.
2. Every day in the bus line I get hugs from all my students. Friday i got ambushed by four of them and fell to the floor because i was plowed over by their love. They may be half my size but man are they strong.
3. They challenged me to a boys vs. girls soccer game when it gets warmer. My cooperating teacher gets to be the referee.
4. They danced around to the music when we watched Happy Feet for penguin week. Later, four of the boys made an impromptu dance routine to show the class the difference between turns, slides and flips for geometry.
5. Every day they ask if we can play a new camp game if they are really good. I got to introduce "Bob the Beaver" this week :)
6. Two of the girls always ask me to braid their hair before they go home. Although my cooperating teacher gives me that "you are not their mother look", I always do it anyway.
7. When I mentioned that I will have to leave in April, two of my favorite students started to tear up.
8. I got asked to three kids' bday parties last week.
9. They can sense when I'm hurting inside. It's the weirdest thing. When I'm having a rough day, they will come up to me during the middle of the lesson and hug me without saying a word.
10. I can't imagine my life without these kids in it.
1. They asked me to play my violin for them on Thursday and wouldn't let me stop playing for a solid twenty minutes. This didn't involve a state standard and yes, they still learned something.
2. Every day in the bus line I get hugs from all my students. Friday i got ambushed by four of them and fell to the floor because i was plowed over by their love. They may be half my size but man are they strong.
3. They challenged me to a boys vs. girls soccer game when it gets warmer. My cooperating teacher gets to be the referee.
4. They danced around to the music when we watched Happy Feet for penguin week. Later, four of the boys made an impromptu dance routine to show the class the difference between turns, slides and flips for geometry.
5. Every day they ask if we can play a new camp game if they are really good. I got to introduce "Bob the Beaver" this week :)
6. Two of the girls always ask me to braid their hair before they go home. Although my cooperating teacher gives me that "you are not their mother look", I always do it anyway.
7. When I mentioned that I will have to leave in April, two of my favorite students started to tear up.
8. I got asked to three kids' bday parties last week.
9. They can sense when I'm hurting inside. It's the weirdest thing. When I'm having a rough day, they will come up to me during the middle of the lesson and hug me without saying a word.
10. I can't imagine my life without these kids in it.
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