Crash and Burn-Friday October 21
So, it’s for real over. It’s still hard to believe, but that’s the way life is sometimes. I know that I’ll be okay. It is difficult to be around an ex in a community though. I saw him at the middle school dance tonight and he gave me some space. All I really wanted to do was punch him in the gut. Now, he’s sitting in the basement of my house, watching my housemate play video games.
Another couple in our community split up last weekend. Yet, they are still around each other a lot of the time. I don’t know how they do it. They act like everything is normal. Right now they’re watching a movie together at the other house. The way the girl explained it was that she would rather have a relationship with him, but if that's not possible she still wants him in her life somehow. He’s important enough to her to make even a friendship work to still keep him in her life.
Right now I can’t even look Kevin in the eyes. I have a lot of built up anger that I didn’t voice and that I’ve been trying to process the last couple of days. Life goes on though.
I booked my flight home today, thank God. I would give anything to be home right now with the people that know me best. I need a break from the Rez, the loneliness and isolation out here.
Pounding it Into the Pavement-Sunday, October 16
This weekend has been a roller coaster. Saturday morning the guy that I’ve been dating for the last couple months, Kevin, broke up with me. As he put it, “This is too much work.” Both relationships and friendships are work. I took a drive to Chadron (about an hour away) to do shopping for my house. It was great to just let out my emotions and listen to some Backstreet Boys along the way. I thought a lot about my last break up and how empty it left me, how deep my heart heart, how it lead to most of my depression, and making the stupidest decision of my life. Then, I thought about how far I’ve come since then-completing student teaching, graduating college, the most amazing summer at camp, and becoming a kindergarten teacher out here on the rez. I have so much to live for. My 20 crazy kids, my awesome friends here, my family/friends back in Indiana, and most importantly my relationship with God. Somehow I knew deep down after my talk with God that I would be okay.
Then, on the way back I got a text from the guy that left me confused, sad, and recovering. It said something along the lines that he couldn’t give to me the way that I gave to him. It’s something that I’ve tried to control since my last relationship. During this relationship with Kevin, I was careful to protect my heart just in case something like this happened. Yet, it still feels raw. Later that night, he asked if we could get back together. I told him that I needed some time to think about it. Eventually, I told him that I thought a two week break would be a good idea. It’s something that we need. Maybe after football season he’ll have more time to devote to a relationship. Maybe he won’t. Maybe during these two weeks apart he’ll decide that this relationship is worth fighting for. Yet, I’m terrified that he won’t. From my last two serious relationships, the unhealthy part of my mind has told me that I’m not worth fighting for. Truth is that I have never let a guy rise up to that occasion.
I took a late night run around the area and tried to make peace with the idea of a break. What if he decides that I’m not worth fighting for? What if he’s alright with no contact and doesn’t want me in his life anymore? What if he’s not hurting like I am? What if, what if, what if? So what. I can’t do a single thing about what he’s thinking. All I can do is patch up my heart and concentrate about being me.
Life as a Private School Teacher
Friday night I watched a Documentary about the Pine Ridge Rez with a bunch of my community members and the priests in their residence. It was a 20/20 special with Diane Sawyer. Our school, Red Cloud Indian School, was mentioned numerous times and for some reason seemed to be this mythical entity. It brought to light a lot of what I thought about ever since becoming a teacher here—public vs. private education on the rez. My heart is still in public education. Some days I wonder if it would be better for me to serve the kids here in a public school setting. Think about this: 50 kids tested to get into the kindergarten class of 2011-2012 last May. Only 20 were allowed in. That is something which still boggles my mind. We can turn children away. The two kids that didn’t quite make it in my class are now sitting in desks at an overcrowded public school somewhere out there. They were replaced in my class within the next week. As an educator, it’s something that I still have trouble processing.
No comments:
Post a Comment