So I attempted to do this earlier, but my internet died. Here are some updates from the last week. After I came back from college on the 18th, I told my parents about everything that happened. Didn't go like what I hoped for, but I would have reacted the same way my mom did. My parents want me to see a counselor before the spring semester starts up, but that probably won't happen until January. I do have an appointment with my main doctor next week though to talk about the depression. Guessing that she'll recommend antidepressants-which I've been trying to avoid the last couple of years. Nevertheless, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track.
Living at home is hard. There is no other way to express that. I'm so used to being independent and for the most part on my own. I can't even begin to describe how weird it is to eat dinner with others. And that it's in between 5-6 each night. So weird! I'm so used to grabbing random dinners by myself most weeknights because of my night classes. This is going to take awhile to get used to. Dealing with my sister has proved to be the other hardest part. I simply cannot get used to her chatter. Yes, I remember what it was like living with a sister with ADHD growing up. Just didn't imagine me being 22, her being 25 and having to deal with it. We've developed a code word to tell her to be quiet. And yes, it is nicer than "Shut up" thank you very much.
Although my "bad thoughts" have mostly subsided, I still came to one conclusion: My heart still aches. I've been trying to deal with it the best way I can by turning to my faith and trusting God to the fullest. It's like that camp song about the hole in the ground-can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, have to go through it. Earlier this fall, I buried my heart. For so long I had worn my heart where everyone could see it. Now it was raw, tattered, and bruised. It was kind of like one of those scraps you get as a kid when you fall of your bike. Time, a bandaid, clean water and love heal all though, right?
Like I said, my heart is buried. It is in a concrete box buried under a million pounds of sand. Thank goodness for faith though.. I''ve been getting daily devotions from Ransomed Heart Ministries, kindly recommended from a new friend. A recent devo said something from the book Desire, "Desire cannot live without hope. Yet, we can only hope for what we desire. There simply must be something more, something out there on the road ahead of us, that offers the life we prize. To sustain the life of the heart, the life of deep desire, we desperately need to possess a clearer picture of the life that lies before us." While I know that God's plan must be hidden, this still gives me hope. Hope that makes me think that each day God helps to shovel a pound of sand to help unbury my heart. I'm not alone. One day together God and I will unearth that concrete box. One day.
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