Minute by Minute

Every day for the last four months has been a struggle for me.  Just getting through each hour is hard enough and then to put it all together into twenty four hours-it makes my head hurt to even think about it.  The best way to put this for everyone that isn't aware is that everything has been rough.  My entire life plan changed in a matter of minutes last September.  I wasn't in a relationship anymore.  This hasn't happened to me since high school.  I have never been alone in that way.

I always had a significant other to rely on to hold me when I got sick with a Crohn's episode or to complain to when classes sucked.  All of those things are gone.  Nothing can get them back.

Then, my whole life changed again.  I got accepted into the last round of interviews for Teach For America, a program that places people in low income areas to teach.  I focused all of my energy into that, a small part of me hoping that all of my heartache would go away.  It didn't.

Everything changed for a third time.  I thought my heartache had gone away.  I still had no desire to go to class or honestly any appetite.  I tried to put all of my trust in God that he had a better plan for me then I ever could build on my own.  I pretended to my friends and family that everything would be okay.  Then, one day when I was home I attempted to do something very bad.  But, God said that it wasn't my time to go yet.  I have too much to live for.

Got back to school and finally told a few friends about what I did.  Putting into words is the hardest thing I ever had to do.  It made it all seem so serious and ridiculous at the same time.  I'm NOT the kind of person would do something like that.  I'm supposed to be the kind of kid that helps people in need-not the one that NEEDS help.  Word got around, two friends sat down with me while I called the counseling center.  Bottom line, I know I won't ever do something like that again.  Getting people to realize that has proved to be difficult. 

People tell me that I have so much going for me. Student teaching, graduation, endless job possiblities.  What they don't realize is that in the end while I was looking at the bottle of pills in my hand, I wasn't thinking about any of those.  I was thinking even though all of those things are great, those aren't what mattered to me the most.  Love.  Giving my parents grandkids before they grow too old to remember them.  Finding that one person that God made for us to be together.  THATS what mattered to me.  But, as I stared at those pills, He told me that I have too much to look forward to.  Romantic love isn't meant for me at this point in my life.  One day it will be, just not yet.   Even though I may not know exactly what His plans are, just knowing that He has a plan for me makes the difference.  Now, just to live my life, a minute at a time.