Food for Thought

Last Monday I had a very interesting conversation with my counselor.  We talked about many things like my depression and the first couple weeks of teaching.  Eventually we digressed with the discussion of my study abroad semester. Then she asked about how my heart was doing....

It came out of nowhere.  I explained to her that I had talked to my X the weekend before and alot came out.  After I worked so hard to  stay positive and to move on with the friendship, all he wanted to do was reflect on the past.  Eventually it came out that he had planned on proposing at Christmas and even had money for a ring.  I didn't ask for most of that information.  My counselor was shocked at this revelation and wanted to know why he said that after all of this time.  Honestly after working so hard to move on, it just brought up everything that I wanted to tuck away. That's something I will never forget as much as I want to.

My counselor Christina linked my past relationships with the way that my father treated me growing up.  He had always distanced himself and never let me in emotionally.  That's why I tend to take the lead in relationships. I'm terrified of being left behind.  That also explains why I had such impossible standards for my last couple of boyfriends.  I don't want them to end up like my dad.  This is something I had never thought of before and it scares me alot.

I've done alot of work on myself since the breakup.  I have fought to become a stronger person within myself and not let men dictate who I am now.  My counselor suggested that I write a list of the positive things going on in my life.  Every day I add to it.  She told me that for my whole college career that I've been going about love the wrong way.  It's not something that you can MAKE happen.  You have to let it fall into your lap.  That's pretty hard for me to do since I'm a control freak.  If I'm not happy with myself then I can never be able to fully commit my best to a relationship down the road.  Well, that road is a very very long one.

Most of October and November I spent tucking away all of my hurt.  When I faced it, life just seemed too hard to handle.  In December though, I knew I had to face it head on, otherwise I could never get over it.  Yes, I have my low points and high points.  As the days into weeks and weeks into months, I breathe easier.  I'm learning how to turn into the true Abby.  The Abby that I was back in high school when I was the happiest.  The one that didn't need a guy to make her happy.  The one that had the confidence to conquer whatever God decided to throw her way.  The Abby that was proud of what God had called her to be- the kid loving, hardcore faith believer, active runner, soccer enthusiast and mission trip goer.  All in all, alot healthier me. 

People say that college makes you into a better person.  Looking back though, college made me turn into a conformist and made me uncomfortable in my own skin.  This sorority girl that I turned into was one who made decisions the true Abby would be ashamed of.  Now, this semester will help me turn into the person God meant for me to be all along. No turning back.