Losing the Fight

There are some things I love about life and others I hate. So, I decided to once again make a list.  For some reason they always help my brain think better.

I Love:                                                                              I Hate:
1. Getting hugs from my second graders                            1.Feeling worthless
2.  The feel I get after a long run                                       2.  Not making an impact
3.  Playing soccer                                                             3. Losing friends
4.  Being at camp                                                             4.  Giving into the depression
5.  Going to my home church                             5. Not knowing how life will turn out
6.  Singing worship songs                                                  6.  Worrying
7. Mud puddles                                                                 7. Dancing

I'm guessing you're wondering why this post is so random.  Well, it's actually not.  This past week has brought out some insecurities that I haven't faced in awhile.  I gave into the depression.  I let it get the best of me at a point when I needed that confidence to endure a long week with my students.  As I have grown up, people have always told me that my gift is working with kids.  Now, being put into an atmosphere where I'm the adult, I put that gift to use.

I saw my kids work hard to understand the general concepts of geometry.  I saw them still confused after I had explained something about ten times.  They took a practice test over the first four lessons and most of them got below a C.  This makes me wonder whether or not I am a good teacher.  My cooperating teacher said that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that geometry is a hard concept for their second grade minds to get.  But, yet I still took it personally.

We talked about my classroom management and what I can do to improve it.  Her words were, "Well, some of it has to do with you being a young and green teacher.  Once you have your own children alot will be different.  You're only 22 you know."  Oh boy did she hit a soft spot for me. It's not my fault that I'm not married and don't have a child. It took so much for me not to yell and to just take everything she said with a grain of salt.  Yes, I may only be 22 but I have seen alot in my life.  I've had to muddle through hardships that even my closest friends don't even know about.

Ever since student teaching started, I've lost contact with many of my friends.  It's like I've dropped off the face of the Earth.  I know that they are all busy.  Trust me, I get that.  At the same time though, friendships are a two way street.  All of this has made me feel very lost.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to keep my overall goals in mind but it's not working out.  I'm losing the fight with depression.