Lightning and Thunder

Confession:  I love storms.  Don't think most people know that about me.  I was the kid at camp that would drive my counselors crazy and run out into the middle of the field during the middle of a huge storm just to see if I could be hit by lightning.  Last night I woke up to a big storm taking over NW Indiana.  It was the best kind of storm too-lots of heat lightening at first, then hail and eventually rain.  I snuck out of the house to have some personal time.

I love sitting on my front porch and seeing the heat lightning.  It's like God finally makes his presence known.  After the hail moved to rain, I stepped out in the cold wearing my sweatpants, bare feet and sweatshirt.  I sat down in the wet grass and just gave my thoughts up to Him.  It's been awhile since I've talked to Him like that.  My mind wondered to a conversation with a friend from earlier that day.  The friend was concerned that I keep alot of stuff in.  The last year, I've kept alot inside and never told my friends about what's actually been going on in my life. I told my friend that I keep stuff bottled up inside because if I don't, then I will get hurt.  Been there, done that.  Don't want that to happen again.

As I quietly sat in my front yard, I noticed how the rain poured down onto me. I didn't care that I was cold, sobbing wet, or that I would probably get sick from doing something like this.  All I could think about was that in many ways, I've hidden myself from God.  Yes, I know that's a silly thought since He can observe us all the time.  But, I mean that I've hidden my heart for the longest time.  I'm scared of opening up again.  I stayed outside for a long time talking with God about what He wants for my life.  As I sat in the grass, the rain finally stopped and my eyes fully adjusted to the darkness.  Strangely enough, I could see a deer run through my neighbors yard at that moment.  It was like God was saying that everything would be okay.  Just like He would guide that deer to safety that night, so would He for me.  Talk about one of those "A-HA" moments that people talk about.

I'm happy that I have 25 wonderful 8 year olds to go to every morning.  I'm grateful that these amazing second graders are in my life and that God has chosen that path for me.  That's all that matters. Even though I clearly have a cold now due to my late night escapade, I'm so thankful for lightning storms and His creation.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

"There is something fierce in the heart of a woman.  Simply insult her children, her man, or her best friend and you'll get a taste of it.  A woman is a warrior too.  But she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way.  Sometime before the sorrows of life did their best to kill it in us, most young women wanted to be a part of something grand, something important." (pg. 11)  -Captivating

The last two days after school I have started running again.  Growing up this was always my stress relief.  It's given me the empowerment at many low points in my life.  I love running because it lets everything else melt away and it's like I can conquer the whole world.  No matter what may be going on that day, its just me, my breathing cycle, and the pavement.  Even when I run with a friend I tend to think in my own little world.   When I focus on my breathing cycle its always two short breaths in and then one long one out-been that way ever since middle school.  I also have this weird habit of putting my thumbs inside of my fists.  Guess that's just my running style.

Anyways,
Running makes me feel peaceful and beautiful.  OK, I know that may sound odd to you.  But, just think about those marathon runners.  Running is such a raw sport.  Its that feeling of getting through a painful side cramp.  Its that feeling of running for yourself, getting to the top of a sand dune after having to dig in your toes, and that hard earned sweat dripping from your face. Its knowing that while I may be smelly after a long run I have run through all of my emotions.  Somehow I left everything on the pavement. 

That's why life right now is beautiful.

A Cold Tangerines Kind of Day

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now.... I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift."
— Shauna Niequist (Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life)

THIS is the kind of day I had.  I finally let go and got to enjoy my kids for once.   We spent the morning acting like penguins, using our "flippers" instead of raising our hands, waddling from one side of the room together, talking in penguin speak, until later on when we had to get down to a serious lesson.  One of the girls wanted the kids to quiet down and said, "Shut your beaks!"  I couldn't contain it.  My laughter came out in one of those belly laughs that keep you laughing for a long time.  My kids and I felt our laughter bubble over until we were all on the floor laughing.  It's like I was back in my cabin at camp just having fun with my younglings.  Now, if every day could be like this then I think that I can survive student teaching.

Losing the Fight

There are some things I love about life and others I hate. So, I decided to once again make a list.  For some reason they always help my brain think better.

I Love:                                                                              I Hate:
1. Getting hugs from my second graders                            1.Feeling worthless
2.  The feel I get after a long run                                       2.  Not making an impact
3.  Playing soccer                                                             3. Losing friends
4.  Being at camp                                                             4.  Giving into the depression
5.  Going to my home church                             5. Not knowing how life will turn out
6.  Singing worship songs                                                  6.  Worrying
7. Mud puddles                                                                 7. Dancing

I'm guessing you're wondering why this post is so random.  Well, it's actually not.  This past week has brought out some insecurities that I haven't faced in awhile.  I gave into the depression.  I let it get the best of me at a point when I needed that confidence to endure a long week with my students.  As I have grown up, people have always told me that my gift is working with kids.  Now, being put into an atmosphere where I'm the adult, I put that gift to use.

I saw my kids work hard to understand the general concepts of geometry.  I saw them still confused after I had explained something about ten times.  They took a practice test over the first four lessons and most of them got below a C.  This makes me wonder whether or not I am a good teacher.  My cooperating teacher said that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that geometry is a hard concept for their second grade minds to get.  But, yet I still took it personally.

We talked about my classroom management and what I can do to improve it.  Her words were, "Well, some of it has to do with you being a young and green teacher.  Once you have your own children alot will be different.  You're only 22 you know."  Oh boy did she hit a soft spot for me. It's not my fault that I'm not married and don't have a child. It took so much for me not to yell and to just take everything she said with a grain of salt.  Yes, I may only be 22 but I have seen alot in my life.  I've had to muddle through hardships that even my closest friends don't even know about.

Ever since student teaching started, I've lost contact with many of my friends.  It's like I've dropped off the face of the Earth.  I know that they are all busy.  Trust me, I get that.  At the same time though, friendships are a two way street.  All of this has made me feel very lost.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to keep my overall goals in mind but it's not working out.  I'm losing the fight with depression.

When Woman Think it's Dangerous

I don't know how else to say this.  This week has sucked.  I know that I'm trying to be more positive, especially thanks to my counselor but there is no other way to around it.  I feel like my students don't respect me and that they aren't learning anything.  To top it off my cooperating teacher and I aren't getting along.  All of my work from student teaching is piling up faster that I could have ever imagined.  But, at the end of the day, I take a breath and remember that tomorrow is a brand new day.  That is the thought that gets me through each long day.


Okay, enough complaining and onto other thoughts.  On Monday, I had my counseling appointment.  I had already booked myself too thin for that day between student teaching, my counseling session and a sorority commitment right after.  I told my counselor at the beginning of the session that I needed to leave early, but of course that didn't happen.  Whenever I talk to her, time seems to slow down.  This session we talked alot of my past relationships.  That's hard to sum up in just forty five minutes as it is.  We talked about how I treat men.  Honestly, I am the dominant one in most of of my relationships.  It's not something I necessarily mean to do either.  We dived right into the heart of the issue as I explained to her about a story from one of the speakers this past weekend.


In the speakers story she talked about how her husband went into a grocery store as she waited in the car.  As the husband was in the car, the wife managed to get it in her mind that if the husband loved her that he would bring out flowers for her.  By the time the husband came back out, not only did he not have the flowers, but the wife was already worked up to a pissed off mood.  The husband said, "When I went in the store you were in a happy mood, twenty minutes later I come out and you are in a terrible mood.  What happened in those twenty minutes?"  Of course she responds, "Well, I thought if you really loved me then you would bring me flowers..."  The husband looked at her and said, "You can't tell me how to love you.  That's my job.  Not yours."  I love in this story though how well it shows how women think versus men.  In her mind, she had made up this whole theoretical situation and the poor husband had no clue.  Now, let me explain to you how this relates...


This is exactly what I would do in my relationships.  I never really let the guy love me.  I told them how to love me.  Like the speaker and my counselor reminded me, that is NOT my job.  I would often think in my head, "If he really loved me, then he would send me flowers," or "If he really loved me then he would send me letters just like I do to him."  But you know what?  That is not realistic.  As I've been reminded, everyone communicates in different ways.  When I heard that speaker talk this weekend, I sat in my seat in a trance.  I felt like all the other 200 people went away and she was speaking directly to me.  I know that telling a boyfriend how to love me isn't the right thing to do, but yet I did it anyway.  It set that person up for disaster and they didn't even know it.  Its amazing to me what good a long weekend with faith buddies and a forty five minute counseling session can do for the soul.

Hope is Everlasting

Youth Quake 2011

We put our heart in the Lord.  He is our help and our shield.  --Psalm 33:20

This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to be chaperone for our middle school youth at a youth conference/event called Youth Quake in Indy.  Using the word "chaperone" still weirds me out.  After I got out of confirmation at 16, all of the youth ministers have called me a "tweener".  I have gone to so many youth ministry events at my church, traveled around the country for mission trips and done a ton of these events as a youth.  Then I moved into a junior guide during high school and a model for the younger kids.  Now I'm 22, a real grown up adult in the youth ministry world.  I still can't believe it.

God works in amazingly mysterious ways.  When we finally got to Indy on Friday night, I ran into a family friend of mine.  His name is Ron Goodaker and I've known him since I was 12.  Basically he went to our church for four years and made a big impact on our youth group.  The last time I saw him, I was 16 and we coached a soccer team  together.  Ron was one of those guys that every youth looked up too because he took the time to get to know us.  He was the first youth leader that really took me seriously.  We talked about my faith journey since then and where it has taken me with my life.  This just illustrates how He puts people in your life for a reason.  No matter if they leave your life for awhile, they will come back :)

At these events there are ministry teams called Captive Free that lead worship and run the show.  Basically for a year they have given up their lives to do Vacation Bible Schools, events like Youth Quake, and Zone's all over the country.  They are a trained band and worship that are lead through a program called Youth Encounter.  Growing up we commonly had these band mates stay at my house while they hosted VBS at our church one week each summer.  All of them are amazing and devoted Christians that really live the faith walk.  They take faith to a whole new level.

Saturday is always filled with worship, fun activities and what we call "treks".  There are about 10-15 hour long treks offered that the kids can go do ranging from talking about surviving middle/high school, learning more about the Bible, interacting with the Captive Free team, listening to people witness and so on. They are always so much fun to go to and listen to people talk about their own faith.  I went to one called "Modesty is Hot: Girls Only" with some of my middle school girls.  The speaker was Miss Indiana International, a pageant contestant.  The really cool part though was that just last year she was on a Captive Free team.  We talked about how we are daughters of Christ and when we show that we are, God lights us up-we are truly captivating.  (I'm pretty sure that Miss Indiana, Kasi, has read the book Captivating by John Eldredge before.)  She ended up coming to dinner with our group that night and Kasi made it her mission to get me to at least apply for the next round of Captive Free teams.  It was a blessing to be able to share my own faith journey with her.  My favorite part though was when Kasi said Captive Free had been in my life all these years for a reason.  Don'tcha just love when God speaks to you through others?  It's like the whole world just goes, "CLICK!!"

Captive Free lets each team, usually five members a piece, travel around the country.  They are the front line for Lutheran youth ministry in the US.  Members sing, play guitar, drums and keyboard.  All year they live in churches and a 15 passenger van.  With my background in music and youth ministry, this could also be an amazing opportunity.  Maybe this is my chance to combine my two loves-kids and my faith. 

My mind is still spinning from this weekend.  I met some great kids in my group.  I love this age of kids because they are awkward, but yet that doesn't deter them from being who they want to be.  There a couple of youth especially that got me thinking.  One girl, Taylor, is 12.  She was the girl that would be in the middle of the mosh pit of youth, doing all the hand motions to songs and encouraging all of the rest to do the same.  She clearly wears her heart.  The beauty of it is that she doesn't care what others think of her.  Taylor knows that God is with her and made her this way for a reason.  She is the kind of youth that makes everyone around her smile.  She lights up the room.  I had the best conversation with her about her faith this weekend.  It was deep, no doubt.  I honestly have never seen a young one this close to God before.  She makes ME inspired. 

We also have what we call "junior guides" come to these events with us.  They are typically 9-12 graders that serve as the connection between the youth and the adults.  Youth Encounter gives them opportunity to lead worship and the church devotions at night.  One of our these special young ladies is a girl named Teague.  Yeah, I know, awesome name right?  I've seen her at church before but never really talked to her.  Little did I know how much of a faith powerhouse she was.  Teague is a senior in high school and at a large crossroad in her life.  She lead my small group during evening devos.  Even though the guides have a script for these, Teague made it her own.  She got questions that made all of youth, guides, and adults all really dive deeper into their faith this weekend.  Teague is such a unique young lady and I can see the light as God's daughter in her.  Like in the book Captivating it says,  "A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough.""  Teague IS the woman from this quote.  It is beautiful to witness. 

That's why even though being a "chaperone" is still odd to me, I will accept it. Teague and Taylor are the kind of youth that make me think back to when I was a youth at a Youth Quake....ten years ago I went on my first Quake.  Now, ten years later, this was my sixth.  It's crazy to believe.  I love how God connects us all.  Seeing the youth this whole weekend grow stronger in their faith gives me hope.  The theme for Quake 2011 was that God is our shield.  We talked about how he is our father, protector and leader all rolled into one.  He is the warrior that fights so much for us day to day.  Faith is a journey of honesty, openness, perseverance and expectations.  The speakers talked about how alot of times we expect so much of God.  We often say, "If God loved me then why would he make my family member get sick," or "If God loved me then why would he let me go through so much pain."  We expect so much of our Lord when in fact, He died for our sins.  He put his own Son on the cross for us.  The beauty of life is that He walks hand in hand with us.  He knows that with His help, we can handle anything.  God is our shield and the true warrior.  Live your life with hope.

A Servant's Heart

I got an email this morning from a school in South Dakota.  Not just any school.  It is called the Red Cloud Indian School.  RCIS is right outside of the Pine Ridge reservation and serves the Lakota Sioux population.  You can volunteer to be a teacher there.  These teachers get a small stipend, room and board paid for, along with full health care and an option to defer my student loans.  THIS is the job I would love to have.

After I picked up my dad after school, we got in a discussion about this opportunity.  Basically he said that I needed to decide where my heart lies- in a public school setting or in a volunteer place like this where I don't get paid.  Ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to combine my faith and love of children.  Now, I could finally have an opportunity to do this.  Its never been about the money for me with any job I've ever had.  Working for the Parks Department, being a nanny and working at a camp have allowed me to learn how to have a servant's heart.  My parents want me to only apply to teaching jobs in the area when I graduate.  My heart doesn't belong here anymore.  It wants to have the opportunity to grow in a different setting.

When I wasn't offered a job through Teach for America, I knew it was for a reason.  Everything always happens for a reason, God's reason.  This is my chance to have a servant's heart once again and to feel that passion that I've been longing for.